*** This recap contains spoilers so if you don’t want to know, look away now ***
The overture begins and this year’s Bachelor opens with an overhead shot of the Bachelor mansion in full bloom.
Lights, gardens, pools of cool, calm water. Lanterns, the stars, a heady sense of expectation.
Love is in the air as our new Bachelor Dr Matt, the 31-year-old astrophysicist from Melbourne steps forward looking very handsome in his tux.
He seems, not unexpectedly, a little bit anxious.
I get my first text from Lindy. He’s a f***ckin’ hottie! I laugh because, well, she’s not wrong.
Here come the ladies
The first car pulls up and Helena, a nervous 25-year-old Health and Wellness Coach from WA wanders up to an equally nervous Matt. They talk and Matt realises that he and his nerves are basically interviewing her. They laugh awkwardly, then both stop, hold hands, take deep breaths and allow themselves to settle just a bit.
It was kinda sweet and made Dr Matt even more appealing in his Very Nice Man way.
Then Chelsy arrives. Chelsy is a 28-year-old Chemical Engineer and the two are immediately smitten with each other’s clever minds. Chelsy offers Matt a temporary tattoo of the molecular structure of oxytocin and Matt suggest she places it over his heart.
Well, well, well what do we have here. Some genuine chemistry between these two nerdy brainiac types is what we have here.
The next to arrive is 23-year-old Abbie, she of the recent ‘I’m a Gemini’ viral moment. The moment is as amusing as you hoped but is wrecked when you discover the backstory. Yeah, you can check that out yourself 😉
Kristen, a 24-year-old China researcher, arrives with a box in her hands. She proceeds to make very well-rehearsed but entirely unfunny references to her box.
‘Matt, I can see you’ve been checking out my box’ she lisps.
Matt is momentarily speechless and shifts uncomfortably. I’m momentarily speechless and shift uncomfortably. I feel the earth move and suspect the whole of Australia just shifted uncomfortably.
And people, we have our first excruciatingly cringeworthy moment! I only stop laughing when she mentions her box again.
Please Matt, just touch her box and make the horror stop!
Now, the editing team must’ve shifted uncomfortably for a little too long because we race through the next 5 ladies.
Brianna. Jessie. Isabel. Mary and Hannah. All 5 done and dusted in 3 minutes.
I’m a little bewildered but the sounds of a revving motorbike capture mine and Matt’s attention.
There’s also some different music. It’s the arrival of a bad girl type of music.
And in swaggers Nichole from the Gold Coast. Nichole informs us she has no problem getting guys, she knows she not ugly, she’s not desperate, she’s confident and competitive. Just the other day, Nichole had 4 guys trying to film her.
Nicole thinks she’s a Cool Girl.
Nicole is wrong.
Lindy texts me ‘the house bitch has arrived’
Vakoo, a 23-year-old model, arrives and throws down a red carpet, insisting Matt do his best strut and pose. Vakoo is beautiful and I’m sure a wonderful model but her awkwardness and nerves are coming across as arrogance. It’s not pleasant to watch. But she’s only 23 so let’s wait and see.
Do we have our clinger already?
Emma’s voice over tells us she’s been planning her wedding since she was a little girl. Hmmm okay
Emma lets us know everything rests on this moment.
The clinger alert readies itself.
Emma meets Matt and she thinks he’s perfect. She has her wedding all planned out and just needs the man.
Aaaaaaaaaaand the clinger alert sounds.
While the clinger alert continues to ring loudly in the mansion, we have our next speed dating edit.
Keely. Tash. Sophie. Georgina. Cassandra. Sogand.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
They’re done. Next!
Finally, the moment I’ve been waiting for. Our Elly arrives.
From the second these two lay eyes on each other, the air crackles with electricity. She has a little picnic basket full of heart-shaped marshmallows (are they even a thing?) and she and Matt sit and roast marshmallows over an open fire and…..it’s magical.
There’s genuine chemistry, these two people really get along.
Matt admits he’s lost track of time and must let her get into the house. Obviously, he doesn’t want to let her go. And why would he? Our Elly is every bit as amazing as I hoped she would be.
Lindy texts. ‘The Newy to WIN. She is adorable’
Rachael, who reminds me of the heavily botoxed chick from MAFS, describes herself as a hot young bride and so arrives in a wedding dress. She has her BFF tagging along as a bridesmaid. Rachael gives off mean girl vibes.
Matt smiles and plays along but I can tell, he’s not impressed and is probably wishing he had the adorable Elly or super smart Chelsy back with him.
We do too Matt!
Rachael’s mean girl vibes erupt when Matt asks her BFF Tonya if she is single.
Rachael loses her shit! I laugh and laugh and laugh.
Tonya tells Matt she is taken and beats a hasty retreat while Rachael fumes just behind the rose bushes.
We move into the mansion.
Osher arrives to run everyone through the rose ceremony and explains this year, there’s something new.
The Golden Ticket.
This Golden Ticket allows the lucky recipient a visit with Matt to his hometown of Melbourne. Ohhhhhhhhhhh
It will be handed out tonight. Ahhhhhhhhh
The ladies bristle with excitement and Emma looks like she will eat anyone….ANYONE …. who dares come between her and The Golden Ticket.
Nicole informs us The Golden Ticket is hers. We all guffaw loudly.
Matt approaches Emma and asks her to chat alone.
Many of the women hiss but Emma simply falls in love.
The clinger alert sashays past, giving me some serious ‘I told you so’ side-eye.
What follows is a long night of more cringe-worthy attempts to talk to Matt. NO matter what he does, Matt can barely get a moment alone with one woman before another one ‘politely’ interrupts.
It’s embarrassing to witness.
Of course, Our Elly shows some class and approaches Matt to ask for some time once he’s finished with the woman he’s talking to.
That’s our girl.
The night goes on and on, more awful chats and interruptions until finally, the production team rescue him and tell him it’s time to give out The Golden Ticket.
He grabs a rose, the ticket…..and Our Elly.
YASS! I knew it!
Lindy and I are very pleased and happy with Matt.
Who won’t get a rose
Not long after, Osher arrives and the Rose Ceremony takes place.
Sadly, 2 women will go home.
Emma frets that she may not get to marry her husband and Rachael almost pitches another fit. But she gets to stay another week.
Buh bye Sophie and, I want to say, Keeley.
Emma is a clinger, Nichole is a bitch and Rachael doesn’t give a shit about Matt, she just doesn’t want to lose.
Oh and Lindy and I both agree it’s Elly for the win.
The promo for tomorrow lets us know that while the ladies were out for the day, 8 new ladies have arrived.
Well, this should be fun!